The Breastford Wives (2007)

by Brian

Cut from much the same cloth as another "H.R. Blueberry" (aka Jim Wynorski) flick, Lust Connection, Breastford Wives comes at you fast and furious, with little plot or filler to get in the way of the sex scenes. The boobs are all over the place within seconds of the opening credit roll, and the movie continues with sex scene after sex scene until the viewer is left numb and feeling like they just came off an amusement ride. As far as softcore movies go, Breastford makes no bones about what it is here to do: skip all the crap and get to the naked babes.

Glori-Anne Gilbert stars as the slightly befuddled Laura, who with her husband Rob (Frankie Cullen), arrives at their new house in Breastford to find the locals to be awfully friendly, as in a reach-in-your-pants-to-say-hi kinda way. It might be the clean mountain air, the abundance of hot and horny big-breasted women, or perhaps something to do with Dr. Brady (Frank Harper) and his special brand of wine. Whatever it is, the Breastford Women's Association (led by DVD covergirl Taylor Wane) can welcome us to the neighborhood anytime.

From hot tubs to home gyms, Rob and Laura find themselves being seduced by everyone they meet. The carnality continues unabated until Rob is clued in by ex-resident Taimie Cooley (Monique Parent) that things might not be as perfect in Breastford as they seem. We might argue that point as Rob gets to bang not only every hottie in town, but also Taimie, who is apparently the only woman not under the doctor's spell. If all this and having Glori-Anne Gilbert as your nymphotic wife isn't the very definition of perfect, what is?

Despite the copious couplings, there were a few times that the modest production budget caused the erotic coals to cool, like when the cast looked offscreen waiting for instructions, the few moments Frankie Cullen forgot he's supposed to be portraying a "straight" stud, and once again, that oft-maligned scourge of the softcore genre: techno-inspired background music. Repetitive and annoying, it is mixed much louder than the dialog and forced us to not only lower the volume but actually hit the mute button a few times to escape the head-pounding drone.

If big-boobed babes getting naked and frolicking is your thing, then Breastford Wives is exactly what you're looking for. What it lacks in production values it makes up for in the sheer abundance of nudity and sex. Not every scene is a winner (sometimes things slide too far into the realm of posing, and Glori-Anne, despite her considerable appeal, just never seems too "into" her lesbian work), but for the most part the performers show enough enthusiasm to keep your finger off the FFW button and your eyes feasting on all the candy.

STILLS: Here's some caps, click to see full-size.